Many relationships and friends have hit the wall because of the inability of either partner to make a sincere apology when necessary. For some people, their self-worth is placed every other even at the detriment of a peaceful and stress relieving intimate relationship.
But, for others who understand the magic a sincere apology can do to a wounded mind, have continuously added it to their tactics of keeping their relationships afloat.
In relationships, despite the love proclaimed over time and the assurance given consistently; conflicts are almost inevitable and often pose a severe threat to the success of such relationships. It is at such moments that partners are expected to look beyond their self-worth and pacify their hurting partners.
With this, we’ve uncovered proven strategies on how to apologize to someone you hurt deeply.
How To Apologize To Someone You Hurt Deeply?
For starters, you have to figure out why you should render an apology. Don’t just assume things or you may end up blowing things out of proportion.
Find out why your partner, friend or colleague is hurting and render an apology at the right time. Remember, the timing of your apology is very sensitive to the outcome. However, you can implore these 10 strategies on how to apologize to someone you hurt deeply.
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1. Identify your mistake and take responsibility
There must be a reason why your significant other is hurting badly. Your actions, words, or even your inactions are enough to deeply hurt your partner. When you find out they are hurting, try and figure out where you got it wrong before making an apology.
You could say: “I have not seen such a dull look on your face, lately. I believe it could probably be my outburst at the dinner or is there any other reason behind this smirk?” This line is enough to help you figure out exactly why your partner is hurting.
Once you have figured it out, and identified your mistake; quickly take complete responsibility for everything. Don’t make the mistake of gaslighting or trying to apportion blame. They won’t get you anywhere. Just accept your mistake and take responsibility for hurting them.
For instance; “I’m really sorry for hurting you deeply; it is all my fault and I know I failed you. I shouldn’t have said that before your friend…” Taking responsibility for your actions, leaves the burden off your partner’s shoulder and goes a long way to reduce their grief.
2. Avoid the word “but” while apologizing
How to apologize to someone you hurt deeply? Don’t use the word “but” during your apology. You’d end up hurting them more. Even if you have reasons to blame them; it is not appropriate to introduce your blame game during an apology. It doesn’t show you’re remorseful.
Your apology should simply be an embodiment of regret, sorry and eagerness to make amends. Using “but” implies you’re trying to justify your actions which inevitably implies that you intentionally hurt your partner. Such words would only escalate issues and prolong the forgiveness you’re seeking for.
Avoid lines like; “I’m really sorry for not showing up at your birthday party ”but “ …” It means you’re only attempting to justify your actions and not yet ready to make a sincere apology.
As we pointed out earlier, take absolute responsibility for your mistake and keep your blame game off the court.
3. Don’t give excuses
If you’re sorry, you need to be completely sorry; don’t hoodwink your partner with your excuses. It won’t be necessary.
How to apologize to someone you hurt deeply? Keep your excuses aside and remain absolutely sorry for your actions. It would be easier for them to forgive you than forgiving your excuses.
Weaving in excuses during your apology will never sit well with the person you hurt deeply. To them, it means you have options and choose your excuses. Don’t give them the reason to doubt your sincerity.
Instead of saying; “I’m really sorry for not meeting up with the deadline, I had another important task to execute and it buried my time and energy.”
You can say; “I’m really sorry for not meeting up with the deadline, I gave it my best shot but eventually my inability to simultaneously work on projects buried my time and energy.”
In the last instance, you gave a reason for failing to meet up with the deadline and at the same moment took responsibility for your inability.
4. Don’t make the mistake of bringing up their pasts into the picture
Unless you’re not yet sorry, why should you even bring up someone’s past into your apology? Are you trying to remind them of their own shortcomings? Or are you trying to give them reasons why they shouldn’t feel hurt?
Whatever your reasons may be, don’t make the mistake of bringing up someone’s past when apologizing to them.
How to apologize to someone you hurt deeply? Keep their pasts off the track and let your apology revolve around you and your regrets. There was enough time for you to get angry at them in the past, not now. You’ve moved on and their pasts shouldn’t have anything to do with your recent attitudes.
When you bring up someone’s past during an apology, you’re trying to rub it on their faces that they’re not perfect and shouldn’t be too angry. Besides, they’ve got their own shortcomings.
Using such lines would hurt them more. They’d become wary of you for holding on to the past. Instead of seeing it as an apology, they’d see it as a checkmate against them.
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5. Back up your apology with some honest gestures
Don’t let your apology end at just the few sentences you used. Back them up with some actions to further express your regret and willingness to make things work again.
An honest gesture with your apology would hasten the forgiveness of your partner and quickly triple their trust and love for you.
You could propose a date, a good time at the cinema or some moments at the beach side. Just offer them an honest gesture after making a sincere apology.
6. Do not over do it
Your honest gestures should be within the severity of your offense. Don’t over do the whole thing, else, they’d doubt your sincerity or even consider it a bribe. What should be of concern is the sincerity in your words and readiness to make amends.
Your overboard gestures are totally unnecessary when you’re not deeply remorseful. Blowing things out of proportion with your unnecessary gestures would get them suspicious and they may think you intentionally hurt them since you can easily make it up to them.
7. Concentrate on the impact of your actions and not on your intentions
Only you know what you intended and only you can vouch for that. But, the impact of your actions is felt by other people. When making an apology, you need to concentrate on the impact of your actions and not on the intent.
Focusing on the impact of your actions implies you’re really sorry for hurting them and you’ve taken responsibility; but, putting your intent ahead, implies you’re trying to justify your actions and its impacts.
Avoid lines like: “I’m sorry for hurting you, I never intended to hurt you, I was only trying to… ”
Instead try something like this: “I’m sorry for hurting you, I never intended to hurt you, I know my actions are enough to cause you pain and…”
8. Offer them an opportunity to make amends
Restitution is the quickest route to forgiveness. Make attempts at recovering what they lost because of your actions and try to repair the things that have been broken because of your actions. Your apologies do not end at the mere confession of regrets. It should be backed up with some positive offers.
You might have betrayed their trust or might have broken their hearts. It is so unnecessary to end your apology without creating an offer to make amends.
You can use: “… Is there something – anything – I can do to make it up to you?”
9. Explain what you learnt from the experience
To show you perfectly understand where and how you got it wrong, you have to give some explanations on what you learnt from the experience. Such explanations would imply you’re ready to avoid such actions next time.
Before you begin your apology, figure out your mistakes and the possible lessons to take from there. Explain it to them and promise not to try such anymore.
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10. Promise them you won’t do it again
Your apology would be incomplete without a sincere apology that you wouldn’t repeat your actions.
How to apologize to someone you hurt deeply? Promise them you won’t do it again. After identifying your mistakes, taking complete responsibility, offering opportunities to make amends, and making explanations; you have to make a sincere promise that henceforth, you won’t repeat your actions.
How to apologize to someone you hurt deeply?
Having identified and discussed the major strategies for apologizing to someone you hurt deeply, here is a sample apology to someone you hurt deeply.
“I am deeply sorry for saying/doing/being ______. It was mean and thoughtless. My emotions got the better part of me and I’m in deep regret. I don’t think you should forgive me quickly, because I know how much I offended you. I am so ashamed of my actions/words and have taken my lessons.
I sincerely wish you to continue to see me as a friend. I profoundly promise not to offend you with my actions/words anymore. I am sincerely sorry. Is there something I can do to make it up to you?”
Bottom Line
Apology is very sensitive to the growth of any relationship or friendship. It shouldn’t be submerged underneath the sea of self-worth and pride. To save your relationship and friendship, do not hesitate to make a sincere apology whenever your partner or friend is hurting because of your actions or words.