Men react differently when they are confronted by their wives or girlfriends. Some get emotional or downcast when their partners get mad at them or tell them how they feel. While some get mad or very defensive when they’re confronted by either their wives or girlfriends.
Succinctly, defensiveness is an outward reaction to someone else’ feelings. Instead of accepting what you say and seeking means to rectify everything; he’d resort to making excuses, gaslighting you and deploys other manipulative techniques, dismiss your feelings or belittle them, or he becomes very angry or moody.
There are a couple of factors that could trigger the defensiveness in men. Oftentimes, getting defensive or mad at you, is not a reflection of hatred or diminished intimacy – don’t get so worked up because he gets defensive. The best next option is to know the possible reasons behind his defensiveness.
Though, you might have understandable reasons to be worried if it is in his habit to get defensive when you confront him over issues. It is very difficult to deal with a husband or boyfriend who instead of giving sound explanations, resorts to getting defensive.
One of the major reasons that triggers defensiveness in men is the prevailing circumstance. He might get defensive over little things if he’s having a hard time at his workplace or there are some family problems overwhelming him.
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In such situation, the best thing to do is to figure out possible solutions to his own pre existing worries before presenting your feelings or dissatisfactions.
However, if you find yourself often saying: he gets defensive when I tell him how I feel; it could be signs that the relationship is wearing off.
It is fine to get defensive at some point in conversations but getting defensive almost every time he’s confronted with issues, is a strong indication that the relationship is not sustainable to him.
He Gets Defensive When I Tell Him How I Feel – 5 Tips For You
1. Be aware of the things you say
Your words are also enough to trigger the defensiveness in your partner. The things you say, when you say them and how you say them have a lot of meanings and could be easily misinterpreted by your partner, especially when the atmosphere is already heated up.
If you say; he gets defensive when I tell him how I feel; it then implies that you should also check your own end to know if your attitude has a hand in his defensiveness.
When conversing with him, try to be as calm and reasonable as possible. Make sure you avoid hasty generalizations – “you don’t care about me and my feelings” – because such harsh statements could get him defensive. However, instead of saying; “you don’t care about me and my feelings” you can deflect the tone of the statement by trying something like; “I feel frustrated when my feelings are not regarded.”
The last statement would certainly get him reflective and remorseful while the former would make him defensive. In other words, avoid words that imply generalization – “never” and “don’t.”
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2. Ask him personal questions
If you have figured out that your partner easily gets defensive, it is advisable you utilize the power of personal questions or questions that show care.
It is very necessary to note that men are easily triggered when their feelings and emotions are left unattended. Such situations expose the aggressive part of them and could trigger their manipulative tendencies.
Instead of complaining steadily that; he gets defensive when I tell him how I feel, you should look inwards and check the last time you checked on his feelings and emotions.
Let him know you really care about him by asking him some personal questions. Try to ask questions that would divulge his thoughts on the issue and also use questions that place his opinions above yours. Something like this would be worthwhile; “I really wish to know how you’re feeling?”
3. Understand the reasons behind his defensiveness
Getting defensive has a psychological cause. In most cases, psychological issues are the primary triggers for defensiveness. If your partner gets defensive or mad at you when you tell him how you feel, you have to check for some possible psychological causes.
Low self-esteem and diminished intimacy are major psychological causes of defensiveness. When a man is battling low self-esteem or bruised ego, he’s always defensive when confronted. Not just to the partner but to anyone who may cross his path.
The burden of living with a punctured ego is very terrible and it leaves victims with no other option than to struggle to protect whatever is left of their ego.
If you notice signs of psychological causes in your partner’s defensiveness, you can start by talking him out whatever he’s going through or recommend the services of a therapist for him.
4. If he’s getting defensive, let him know
It may be possible for your partner to get defensive without knowing it, maybe because of transferred aggression. It could be helpful to your relationship if you could bring it to him that he’s already getting defensive.
The way you present such information matters a lot and the result depends entirely on how you inform him. Shouting on him in the midst of the discussion would be counterproductive. We already know what to expect when you shout at him to stop being so defensive.
Instead, you should utilize your femininity and bring him down. Be calm and soft while trying to let him know he’s already getting defensive. If it was unintentional, he’d understand you and quickly apologize.
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5. Withdraw if things continue to heat up
When the argument is heated up, it may escalate to some sort of physical violence or verbal abuse. To avoid such possibilities, you may consider taking a timeout when things are heating up.
There would always be a room for heart-to-heart discussions and making up. When he’s defensive may not be the appropriate time to correct him or shove down your opinions. Allow things to calm down and try exploring other options.
FAQS
Why Does He Get Defensive When I Talk About How I Feel?
He gets defensive when you talk about how you feel because of a couple of reasons. It may be because he’s already tired of your discussions and feelings, maybe he’s having some psychological issues, or he’s not just intentional about it. You can only know exactly when you have a heart-to-heart discussion with him over whatever you’re feeling.
Why Does My Boyfriend Get Mad At Me When I Tell Him How I Feel?
Your boyfriend gets mad at you when you tell him how you feel because he’s not interested in the relationship anymore. If he’s really into you, he’d have reasons to condole your emotions and feelings. Getting mad at you over how you feel is a sign he’s not really into you and does not regard your feelings. When we love someone, we hardly get mad at them, instead we try to accommodate their feelings.
Bottom Line
Every challenge in a relationship could be handled provided the partners are committed to the growth of the relationship. Dealing with a defensive partner is very difficult because of the gaslighting and emotional manipulations that may be inevitable.
However, having a heart-to-heart discussion with them could be a stepping point to resolving the issues. There are a lot of options to explore if you find yourself saying: he gets defensive when I tell him how I feel.
You can also outsource the services of a relationship therapist if the challenges persist. The opinions of someone from a neutral stand could be a timely catalyst.