My sexless marriage is killing me – here are the causes and what you should do

A sexless marriage could be quite stressful and lonely. It is characterized largely by diminished intimacy and connection. Often leading to emotional pain and psychological trauma.

Sexless marriage has gradually become a serious challenge to many couples because of the negative feelings that are always associated with it.

Research has shown that almost 50% of sexless marriages ended in divorce. This amplifies the tendencies of divorce whenever marriage becomes sexless. Though, sexless marriage is not that common because according to a study, only 5 to 7% of married couples have not had sex for in the past 6 months to one year.

It is still something that is worth studying considering the high tendency of divorce if a marriage becomes sexless.

Sexual intercourse is very critical and relevant to the growth and health of any intimate relationship. It is a source of emotional support and connection for the partners, as it gives them a sense of commitment to whatever they share.

When there’s no sexual intercourse for atleast 6 months to one year, it might be safe to say that the couple are in a sexless marriage.

This significantly affects their emotional health and the stability of the relationship. At some point, one may likely cry out: “my sexless marriage is killing me!” 

My sexless marriage is killing me

What is sexless marriage?

A marriage is referred to as a sexless marriage when there’s little or no intimacy within 6 months or more. 

It is very necessary to note that, there are many sexless marriages without diminished intimacy. Despite the lack of sex in these marriages, the spouses strives to maintain intimacy and the emotional attachment in the relationship.

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This is often obtainable when there’s understanding amongst the partners and genuine desire to keep the ship afloat.

Meanwhile, on the other side is the most toxic form of a sexless marriage. This features little to no intimacy amongst the partners and every sense of affection and care is sent to the bin. It is very toxic and emotionally draining. 

Major reasons for sexless marriage

1. Difference in sexual drive

Often referred to as “libido difference,” difference in social drive is incompatibility of the spouses’ sexual desires and needs. When there’s a huge difference between the sexual demands of the spouses, either of them would always go unsatisfied. The cravings and fantasies would not likely be fulfilled because of libido difference. 

With time, their partners may likely get tired of each other and start exploring other options which ultimately leads to a sexless marriage. It is very necessary to know if you’re sexually compatible with your partner before committing to a relationship. 

2. Stressful schedule

Another factor that may force you to cry out: “my sexless marriage is killing me” is stress. Everyone does not have the skills to manage stress and when not properly managed, stress could ruin your major sources of happiness. When there’s too much demand from you at your workplace or you’ve got some career targets, you would possibly have little to no time for your marriage and your partner.

3. Health issues

Erectile dysfunction and menopause are major health problems that affects the sexual life of a couple. These are very sensitive health problems that may create depression if not well managed.

Research has shown that depression is mainly caused by changes in the levels of estrogen and testosterone.

High levels of estrogen is a source of depression while high levels of testosterone comes with aggressiveness, mood swings and irritability. Aside the tendencies of depression, menopause and erectile dysfunction are other factors to a sexless marriage. 

4. Emotional and psychological problems

Depression and anxiety are serious psychological problems that affect an individual’s perception. When one is depressed, he loses interest in almost everything and finds problems with almost everything. A depressed person cannot possibly lead a good sexual life.

Emotional trauma shouldn’t be left out in the factors that may force you to say: “my sexless marriage is killing me.” When one is emotionally abused or stressed, they lose connection with their partner and affection is ultimately replaced with resentment. 

When there’s no emotional connection and attraction becomes alien. There’s a high possibility that there would be long moments without any intercourse in the marriage.

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5. Challenges in getting along

Before committing to a serious relationship, you have to run a couple of compatibility tests. You may end up finding out that there are a lot of differences between you and your partner. It could be your beliefs, morals, quirks, hobbies, career, among others.

When you are not on the same page with your partner, you’d possibly lose interest in their affairs and may end up finding them unattractive. Especially, when you don’t get along with his views. There’s practically no genuine source of connection. 

What should I do in a sexless marriage?

If your marriage has reached to the point of you crying out: “my sexless marriage is killing me,” it is imperative that you take proactive steps to salvage the situation before it slips to divorce. Here are a few strategies to help you manage your sexless marriage and possibly stop screaming: “my sexless marriage is killing me.”

1. Talk to your partner

If you’re having a sexless marriage, the first step is to talk to your partner about it. Don’t assume anything, try to figure out what they think and their reasons. You may believe your sexless marriage is because of your partner’s infidelity but that may be quite far from the truth.

Discuss with your partner about the lack of intimacy in your marriage. You may end up finding out that excess stress is a huge factor. When you have a heart-to-heart and insightful discussion with your partner, you stand a fair chance of getting the truth and knowing exactly the next step to take.

2. Evaluate your marriage

Do you already have kids from the marriage? How long have you been together? Is it an abusive relationship? Aside from being sexless, is there any other toxic experience in the marriage? 

An honest answer to these questions would give you a better perspective on how to handle a sexless marriage. If you already have kids, you may need the stability of the marriage because of your children. And if it has been a long and peaceful marriage, you may not likely take drastic measures when it becomes sexless. 

Think about your marriage and know the things that are at stake. 

3. Increase the time you spend with your partner

When you have figured out how important your marriage is, you have to start increasing the time you spend with your partner. Spend most of your evenings with them and reserve your weekends solely for them. 

Loneliness and isolation are factors that influence sexless marriage. You have to crush them by spending quality time with your partner. You may end up re-enkindling those genuine feelings and intimacy.

4. Try new things together

Talk to your partner about some fantasies you’d try with them. Talk about new styles in the bedroom and other good ideas to spice it up. You can improve your dressing. 

5. Consult a therapist

If you try to recover from your sexless marriage, you may need the services of a therapist. But, it is better if you and your partner agree to visit a therapist. Let the therapist know how long your marriage has become sexless and the efforts you’ve already made to save the situation. Being neutral, a therapist would have a better perspective of your challenges.

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How a sexless marriage affects a woman?

Being in a sexless marriage could be unbearable for a woman. It affects her self-esteem and introduces negative feelings like loneliness, resentment, frustration, rejection and depression.

How do you tolerate a sexless marriage?

Patience and kindness are the best means to tolerate a sexless marriage. You have to be patient and kind with your partner while expecting a positive change. There’s also a need to talk to your partner and have a better grasp of their stance.

Can a wife survive a sexless marriage?

Yes. Anyone can survive a sexless marriage. She may end up crying: “my sexless marriage is killing me,” but if she’s resolute, she’d pull through. It might cause her some emotional pain and psychological trauma, but these are not enough to weigh her down if she decides to start the healing process.

What usually happens in a sexless marriage?

Little or no intimacy is what happens in a sexless marriage. The spouses find it difficult having intercourse with each other for over a period of 6 months.

Bottom Line

Sexless marriage is not advisable and should not be tolerated because of its emotional implications, unless in rare cases of mutual understanding between the spouses. 

When you cry out: “my sexless marriage is killing me,” it is that moment you should know you can’t tolerate it any longer and start exploring solutions. 

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